I use my body, I use my cuteness, I use everything I got and it still aint enough

Reading over my blogs, i have realised something..
i have never been happy.. properly!
maybe because I've jumped in and out of pointless toxic relationships for all the wrong reasons. and I'm kind of over it!
i don't want meaningless sex or dating someone out of boredom!
i want to meet someone, have an instant connection and go through all the motions..
it seems like i cant cut corners anymore..
i just don't want to end up alone!
you may think this is an irrational fear! but if you knew you were too much for most boys that it never worked out.. and the ones that could handle it were very very wrong for me, you would fear of ending up alone to.
i think i like conflict!
I've grown up being shown that conflict is a show of affection
so i go looking for relationships that will collapse in on itself because they will show me more affection?
Conflict will make someone care?
my family has screwed me up so bad, that its taken so many years of slutty behaviour to realise what exactly the problem was!
now what am i going to do about it?
i use my body to get your attentions,
i use my cuteness to make you like me
i use my personality to catch you in my snare..
and in the end, it will be my mind that make you run away.
i believe i think in a very logical manner, but my emotions over rule any thought that causes pain..
or in the long run happiness!
so in the end, i get hurt more!
i stopped seeing my counsellor, because really.. i wasn't telling her anything so why take up space in her office hiding from everything else
i am a proud person, i hate to admit it when I'm wrong, and i don't want to even consider your side..
i got this from my father.
so I'm sorry for all those, who i stepped on with my pride! I'm sorry i hurt those who i stood on while trying to gain what i wanted..
I'm sorry all those i ignored when they offered their help.
I'm going to do something i have never done before, and i don't know how its going to go. but I'm sick of being stuck here by fear!
I'm going to put myself out there, and try..
try to better myself, try to find my happiness, and if that means being single then that's what i will do
I'm making a promise, i will not offer myself up to anyone second best anymore..
i deserve happiness, i deserve to be respected! i deserve better than my life has given me!
besides my friends who i hold very close to my chest, the rest of you can go get fucked!
you don't mean anything to me.. your only there to laugh as i fail, and push me back down when i try to get back up..
sorry this one was so long, not that anyone reads these :D
goodbye