Is that all it takes to make you people happy?

ladadadada!
i am officially BORED!
i wonder how much damage i might cause saying hello to you?
how much damage will i cause to myself, allowing myself into your bed again!
i don't want you, but i want someone to hold me!
i want to cuddle up to someone and know i don't have to be alone with my thoughts.
but i shouldn't.. if this was a perfect world, i wouldn't be alone
i would of found the right person for me long ago and i would not be hopelessly searching for someone who can withstand me.
i know i have some problems, i know i need help to get better..
and I'm trying alright!
I'm fucking trying, so don't look at me and say I'm not putting my all into this!
You think i want to be like this? that i want to see faces while i lie in bed at night, claws coming towards me..
i don't want to see these things, i don't want to have to close my eyes tightly and tell myself they aren't real!
i just don't want them to be there!
i can tell you about all the things i don't want!
but its harder when it comes to what i do want..
because right now.. i don't know!
i have lots of choices and none of them seem to fit right!
one thinks I'm a immature cow
another thinks I'm crazy
he thinks I'm gorgeous
they think they can handle me..
and the last, thinks i was made for him!
your all wrong
none of you know a thing about me, those who have known me the longest
would be surprised by what i could tell them!
because i put on a very good act
and they don't see through to the pain and suffering i am hiding!
one of them never would of thought to look harder!
he just accepted the lies i told him..
happy that i let him between my legs. is that all you people want?
is that what it takes to make you people happy?
ha!
I'm over all of this! i don't want any of you! i am sure of this!
but then, what do i want
and who do i want?... I'm not sure

Leave my thoughts and Leave my dreams. Please just Leave

I lie in bed at night, alone
wondering what your doing.. remembering what it was like to have someone next to me.
i think about all those who have shared their bed with me and a thought comes to me.
i dont have to sleep alone,
i could be the first to speak but then id be trapped!
i dont know, i dont want to be alone! i dont function like this!
but, i got away from him for a reason! and i cant just skip back into his arms just so i dont have to be alone!
be alone or be trapped!
which should i choose!
i know there are better people out there for me! but there not in my life right now and i miss having somenoe whisper they love me.
i miss not having to shoulder everything! i miss having someone always there to listen to me and to keep me entertained!
but really? what was the relationship to me?..
sex, movies, sex.. we didnt to anything we just had sex
is that really a relationship?
i could talk to you about all the bad things in that relationship, spell it out in big letters!
and they'd all be true, how much could i tell you about all the good things?
once upon a time, there was nothing but good things.
now, i cant even remember
besides the fact that the sex was great!
i dont know what i want anymore.. i wouldnt know how to get what i wanted if i knew!
im not sure im making sense anymore, im just so tired of dreaming about you and then rolling over and finding nothing but my empty bed
i dont want to dream of you anymore,
please leave my thoughts and leave my dreams!
just leave!

I Am A Warrior In My Own Head

I think, i can finally move on from this side of me!
I am pretty sure i am getting better now
and i think i have to thank someone,
Thank you for being there when i needed you, thank you for putting up with my shit
thank you for dumping me,
thank you for ignoring me, and thank you for forcing me to figure all this out!
I thank you because if it wasn't for you, i would still be in the dark about this
i don't need anything for comfort anymore, i don't need sex or boys or anything..
i haven't had a nightmare for 4 nights, the relief is so great it makes me want to sing, and that's not something you want to hear!
i have more energy than i ever had before, and i smile when no ones looking!
i don't feel all the way empty and I'm not fighting my thoughts!

I am a warrior in my own head, and i stood against all the dark thoughts and i prevailed! all because of you,
i owe you an apology, and you shall receive that!
i owe you much more than that!
my life is looking just that little bit brighter!
of coarse i know I'm not out of the woods just yet, but i cant help but be happy right now!
happy that i don't curl up in a ball each night, happy that i can stand on my own two feet for once!
and happy because i wont need to hurt myself to fill the void in myself
this one will be quiet short, because when I'm happy, there isn't a lot to write about
but who cares!
i wont delete my blog, because i would like to have it here, like a safety net!
if i should fall it will be here to catch me

You Violated The Innocence In Me

In a bloggy mood today...
i think i should explain something..
because me in myself doesn't really understand it. so maybe if its on the page i will understand.. probably not!
anyway, i gave up a little bit of me, to someone a very long time ago..
and i haven't stopped tearing bits and pieces off from myself every time i become involved with someone new.
as if, once started you cant stop
i let someone use me while under the belief he had feelings for me.
i let them touch me, and sleep next to me and lie to me..
and i feel insulted, used, violated and pathetic..
but its not like i haven't done that before,
2 one night stands..
once after two weeks and another 6 months before even dating them.
a week after knowing them.
i understand why people think I'm a slut
i do understand but it irritates me because they think i just open my legs for anyone? 4? is that such a big number?
everyone assumes that i am such a bad person, maybe its because i just don't care anymore..
after this? should i still care what people do?
who sees me like that?
because i can definitely get worse!
i could have anyone i tried to get.. and i don't! because i try to respect myself and give myself a little credit!
but when you all sit there and tell me that i am nothing, that i will never get anywhere?!
Get off your pedestal, which you have not rightfully earned!
you don't get to look down your nose at me, while I'm just trying to fill a void in myself!
but this isn't right!
I'm over everything right now
boys will always be boys,
sex is now just sex to me
no one can show me that sex is special!
because its not... its violating! you have to give up every single flaw in your body to that person!
and they can use that against you however they like!
they can ruin your reputations, ruin your self esteem
you are play dough in their hands!
and i know iv put myself in such situations enough already!
but that was my choice..
and like i said, once you start its hard to stop.
because for that period of time where your are together... you don't feel so alone
and its addictive
to feel like someone cares..
but we all know what they really care about, because once they get it they are quick to put their jeans back on and leave!


You violated the innocence in me!

I use my body, I use my cuteness, I use everything I got and it still aint enough

Reading over my blogs, i have realised something..
i have never been happy.. properly!
maybe because I've jumped in and out of pointless toxic relationships for all the wrong reasons. and I'm kind of over it!
i don't want meaningless sex or dating someone out of boredom!
i want to meet someone, have an instant connection and go through all the motions..
it seems like i cant cut corners anymore..
i just don't want to end up alone!
you may think this is an irrational fear! but if you knew you were too much for most boys that it never worked out.. and the ones that could handle it were very very wrong for me, you would fear of ending up alone to.
i think i like conflict!
I've grown up being shown that conflict is a show of affection
so i go looking for relationships that will collapse in on itself because they will show me more affection?
Conflict will make someone care?
my family has screwed me up so bad, that its taken so many years of slutty behaviour to realise what exactly the problem was!
now what am i going to do about it?
i use my body to get your attentions,
i use my cuteness to make you like me
i use my personality to catch you in my snare..
and in the end, it will be my mind that make you run away.
i believe i think in a very logical manner, but my emotions over rule any thought that causes pain..
or in the long run happiness!
so in the end, i get hurt more!
i stopped seeing my counsellor, because really.. i wasn't telling her anything so why take up space in her office hiding from everything else
i am a proud person, i hate to admit it when I'm wrong, and i don't want to even consider your side..
i got this from my father.
so I'm sorry for all those, who i stepped on with my pride! I'm sorry i hurt those who i stood on while trying to gain what i wanted..
I'm sorry all those i ignored when they offered their help.
I'm going to do something i have never done before, and i don't know how its going to go. but I'm sick of being stuck here by fear!
I'm going to put myself out there, and try..
try to better myself, try to find my happiness, and if that means being single then that's what i will do
I'm making a promise, i will not offer myself up to anyone second best anymore..
i deserve happiness, i deserve to be respected! i deserve better than my life has given me!
besides my friends who i hold very close to my chest, the rest of you can go get fucked!
you don't mean anything to me.. your only there to laugh as i fail, and push me back down when i try to get back up..
sorry this one was so long, not that anyone reads these :D
goodbye

Weigh up the costs

I stand there watching my whole world swirl around in a flash.
like i was standing behind double plated sound proof glass, screaming at the scene before me. They did not hear a word
My whole family entangled in a fight, like one you see on the animal planet
The males fighting it out to be the alpha!
but here's the twist, its the Alpha of my house fighting the rest of us!
and as much as i try to stay out of it, the toxic emotions that spew from this brawl soon engulf me and drag me into it!
I fear that if i stand to close i may be next, but i fear if i do nothing someone will get hurt
i normally do not care for my family but it is when these events happen that i cant help but sit in the corner biting my nails waiting for someone to break it up.
I'm pretty sure my father called it quits just a moment ago
I'm pretty sure my mother will not be able to sleep tonight.
I fear of putting a toe out of line, the volcano's erupted and there's a safety zone
do i dare step over it and be burned alive?
or stay in the safety zone and be trapped here forever!
I know why i cling to any relationship,
because my family make me fear that i will be alone or never be loved
i don't want to end up like that! i want someone to love me, and make me happy
i want someone to take me away from this!
I run into my room, put my headphones on turn the music up so loud it hurts
and block everything out!
i don't want to listen to your yelling! i don't wanna listen to the glass when it breaks! or the screams when someone gets hurt!
i don't wanna listen to the door slam and i don't wanna sit here trying to guess who just walked out!
there are no wars happening... but why does it feel like I'm walking across a battlefield.. being careful of hidden mines!
They have defined me of who i am, i walk around problems.. i am quick to pick fights!
and i cant talk to anyone about anything that's under the surface
because i learnt early on in life that we don't dare talk about what happens behind that front door.
it was never exactly said to us, but it was always understood
if the secret got out, if they knew how damaged we really were
we would all pay...
every single one of us!
now we just have to weigh up the costs

What went wrong?

I have figured out why I'm like this,
Me and a friend talked about it. She thinks emotions hit me more than most people
like i have more of a flood of them
which i must agree with, but i didn't realise it wasn't like this for other people
i explained how i saw things to her
how lying there with them, closing your eyes and breathing in their smell, feeling your bodies touch and feeling amazing that they are here in your arms
i put more importance on the people in my life
and I'm a very sensual person
everything hits me hard! and it scares people
everyone thinks I'm a sex addict, but i really just love the close feeling i get when your moving as one! heart beating in sync, all wrapped up in each other
people think sex is just sex..
i put on that facade! because if people realised what my view on sex was, they'd think I'm an idiot
sex is immensely special to me, but in some misguided attempt and trying to find the love i lacked in my family, i exuded the belief that sex doesn't matter.

i fall for people very easily. I've always known that, but you are so different i cant figure out why its so different
but your smart and funny and you understand me
your mature-ish, sensitive to my emotions i think and you put up with me
its amazing i cant figure out what this is for me
and yet you find it so easy to call it quits
i thought id be that one you'd fall for, everyone else seems to!
i seem to be the one who everyone cant get over!
but maybe its because I'm the one trying to chase you!
would you find me more attractive if i stopped chasing?
or would you never give me a second glance!
risk it? or keep fighting?
which does he want me to do..
so many decisions i cant make right now i need to talk to him, i need to yell actually! i want him to see the angry and sadness he has pushed on me
i want him to feel bad for what he has done and i want to get inside his head and figure out what went wrong!

A letter to the man i lost

Nightmares more often now, Crying in my sleep, nothing happy anymore
*screams* what the fuck is wrong with me!
I DON'T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN! i don't want to lose you,
please don't go.. please
please want me, please have feelings for me, please don't forget me!
i cant figure this out anymore
you flirt non stop with other girls
and i pass that off as you just having a flirty nature
but then you look at me and your eyes tell me something different
you eyes look at me with such a depth of sadness that i do not understand
i flirted in front of you, and you pretended that i didn't exist, but i didn't miss that you looked over more than you looked at me that whole night.
stop sending me mixed messages! because baby i cant handle it!
i want to know what your thinking, how you feel and why you did this!
the true reason!
because you cant sell me any of that crap you told me!
it cant be true!
i want to talk to you,
i want to touch your face, and kiss your lips like i used to!
i want you to hold me, and softly stroke me like you used to!
but i cant have any of it!
why?
I'm losing my mind here, iv lost any reasons now
I'm sick of hurting over people
I'm sick of being this way
but how can i change?
without you, i have no reason to change and to be better.
someone tried to kiss me yesterday, and all i could think of was you, i froze and unfroze in a second nearly jumped half a foot in another.
i know I'm sending him mixed messages, but he should understand my position here!
i don't know!
letter to the man i lost, letter that will never get read
and a letter that shouldn't of been written

Coming back with a vengence

I think, i can do this
i think i can be the friend instead of someone who you care about.
even though i may die inside, and even though every time i look at you is torture
i can be your friend
for you..
because this is what you want, so i will be your friend
and thats all we'll ever be
but thats okay
because im giving up, throwing in every towel i ever had
i dont want to fight anymore, i dont want to play tug-a-war with a wall
it aint moving i aint wining!
doesnt help that we dont talk, you avoid me i use every opportunity i can to get close enough so that you may notice me and say hello
i feel so pathetic, that i have to try and get your attention?
i shouldn't have to. i should automatically get your attention!
im not ugly, im not average! IM FUCKING HOT!
you know this!!!
next time you see me, i wont be sad ill strut my stuff and show you what your missing!
because you dont notice a girl who's dying on the inside, you'll notice the loud, happy and flirty girl that i am!
but if not, thats okay because i tried right? no shame in losing!
no shame in losing ones mind! ones heart! ones everything!
if you have nothing left to lose, why not go for it!?
I hope your ready for me now.
because im coming back with a vengence

live, lie, fuck, die

I believe my world was meant to be a dark and twisted hole..
nothing else explains why i cant seem to stay happy for long,
i handed myself over to you, and you crushed me
how can i be good enough for you.
I'm worthless, don't try and say otherwise.. because if i was worth while you wouldn't of run away from me.
why must this happen to me constantly?
i don't want to hurt anymore.
i don't want to cry anymore.
i don't want to live anymore.
we live,
we lie,
we fuck,
and we die.
that's the cycle. no way to change it
head hurting, heart aching..
I'm sorry i couldn't be enough for you.

last time

I thought you were making me better, but i only now realise that you were cutting out your own hole in me.
"its not you its me?" ha ha like i haven't heard that one before.
i know what i have done, i know i made you run away so stop pretending that its not my fault
"lets be friends" how can i be your friend when every time i see your face i die a little more inside.
i guess i should of seen this coming, you wouldn't hold my hand, look at me or kiss me
and i was stupid enough to let myself fall for you. i knew id get punished for what i have done in the past..
i promise that i wont let myself get disappointed by men anymore, i wont try and make myself happy, living here in misery is so much easier.
much much more pleasant and where i cant get brought down anymore. because iv already hit rock bottom
i don't want to be here though!
I WANT TO BE HAPPY.. but why is it that every time i try to be happy something happens to destroy it.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME..
i let you in, and you took one look and ran a mile!
lets be friends.. lets be mother fucking friends
sure.. lets add more pain, you'll find someone new and it will feel like a stab in the chest again and again!
i thought you were helping..
i thought i was getting better
i should of known! i cant get better.. because I'm so fucked up
i want to be able to fade away.. i don't want to face anymore days..
I'm sick and tired of hurting over people
this is the last time i let someone in.. last time i set myself up for a fall