Jesse, I have never been so connected with someone like I am with you.
and I know that you feel it to! there's no way this is one sided...
You push me away so you don't hurt me, but you don't realise that your absence will hurt most.
I can handle the rest, I can remember this night! this glorious night where I saw the real Jesse.
where I saw who you were and as I watched you near tears for someone who has been described to me as nothing but a slut.
as I watched you hurt over her..
First feeling
Absolute and utter hate... a hate that I've never felt so powerful. like if I ever saw her my hate would burn her alive..
Second... Love, undiluted and unconditional love.. you have such a power over me, that no many times I say goodbye or you try to walk away. we end up back in the middle..
The last 9 months have been tough on me.. I have never been with someone and to everyone on the outside it looked like a relationship. and then for it to be the complete opposite on the inside..
I've never cried or hated myself more in the past 9 months than I have since i can remember..
but I've also had the best year of my life.. you were a big part of my life in the last 9 months.. I don't ever want to lose you! not to anyone!!!
I could gracefully bow out! be thankful that I had these last memories of you to hold onto.
but tonight! oh Jesse tonight I felt sadness, love, anger, emptiness, happiness, belonging and I felt loved back.
I can't say that I've always felt loved by someone throughout my life.. cause I never did!
but being there with you, you sharing that with me.. I can't put words to the emotion bubbling through me.
if I hadn't seen you tonight, if I hadn't experienced this.. I would have been able to let you go,
but not anymore!
You think you don't feel for me as much as her?..
that it's not enough? Jesse just let it be, let it be enough! let what you feel out SHOW ME!
close your eyes, and imagine how you felt when you kissed me, how you felt when you looked into my eyes afterwards
tell me how you would feel if you were never to see me again!? if all you had was her!?
Jesse what we have is strong! I can see it, how can you claim that it's not there..
tell me I'm nothing tell me that I am no one! TELL ME TO GO AWAY!
tell me, and I will!
prove to me that I am nothing to you!
You're running away from this because you are afraid, I thought today.. Jesse is going after relationships with people who are destined to hurt him. that makes me think that you know you deserve better, you know that I could be what you want... but you don't want to reach out and take it, you want to prove yourself wrong by being with useless and hurtful girls..
You know we would be great together! we are effortless! we are as easy as breathing!
and Jesse if you walk away from me now, I'll never forgive you! because despite everything! despite me wanting to do the most unthinkable things to myself after you left.. I didn't
I sat there with my knife in hand staring down at the vein that is in the shape of a J. trying to shake off the feeling that you and I are more than a fling..
I tried.. I really did try to cut myself, I sat there knife pressed against my skin waiting for my skin to break open..
but I couldn't do it.. I have a higher purpose than this, I have a better relief than making myself bleed..
Jesse you're my relief, you make me feel like I belong here. Like I was made to fit in your arms!
tell me you don't feel it to,
Tell me the truth! no more running away, no more ignoring what we have.
because I am not ready to give up yet.. that kiss was all ignored feeling and I want it back, I want to feel your lips against mine as often as I smile!
I want you til I can't think anymore! I want you to be here with me!
and I refuse to be told no anymore..
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