Dear LOVE.
I thought I had you figured out, I thought there was nothing left that could surprise me.
I knew there was a chance you'd find another girl who would do what I couldn't..
I just... I just didn't think that it would happen like that.
I feel cheated and used..
like the rug was pulled out from under me. until now I felt as though I was still in the race like I still had a chance.
do I walk away now to save my dignity...
do I have a choice in it anymore?
I fell for you. not gradually but one day I looked in your eyes and fell flat on my face.
and I feel sick physically sick at the thought of another girl being with you.
I don't know what to do anymore, I want to run away and not exist.
I want to prove I'm the girl for you.
I want you to really see me.
but I don't know how to do any of that.
I lie in bed at night and wonder if I ever cross your mind.
I lie there for hours staring at my ceiling as the anger grows inside me..
I wish I could direct the anger at you, that I could force myself to hate you.
but no matter what you've done I always find a way to forgive you...
I hate myself, I hate inside and out.
I'm not a person even I would want to know, I look in the mirror and hate what I see.
I see fat in all the wrong places, uneven lines and lumpy, wobbly places.
I see everything as it is and i hate it.
I resist the urge to hurt myself, I resist it so hard because I know I can be better than that.
better than old scars that never go away.
I remember a time when i wouldn't have cared. I would have cut and tore at my skin until it didn't resemble skin any longer.
I remember when I planned how I would die.. and what I wanted people to feel, I even wrote letters to them or myself.
boxes full of letters or thoughts to myself. and when I found you, I burnt the box
I thought to myself, for him I could be better! I could be a girl who doesn't curl up in a ball at night and cry herself to sleep.
but no... I can't be that girl, and I'm sorry for that
I'm sorry I didn't just walk away 8 months ago when you first ended it.
I'm sorry I didn't walk away when i found out about the other girls.
I'm sorry I just didn't have it in me to leave when you said no more.
I'll be better now I swear, I'll walk away and never look back.
I can do it you know, bury my heart in the deepest hole and forget about it.
I can delete your number from my phone so I'm not tempted and I can erase any trace of you from my life..
one thing I wouldn't be able to stop, is the dreams..
I can pretend to be perfectly fine but once the lights are off and I'm alone, my mind belongs to you
and it is something that will belong to you for a long time.
I will eventually get over you, but for now... this is impossible, I cannot be here while you want someone else.. I cannot let myself love you
I can't get hurt anymore.
Love Melissa!
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