On the night of my 18th birthday, I lie awake crying and think about how I’ve fucked up so many things.
I am as normal as my childhood will allow, but then again that not alot!
I despise the mainstream girls... horrified in their thinking and their behaviour, and i think what i hate most about them is that they build a unhealthy mindset for men on what women of this generation should be like.
And when an individual such as myself comes along it shocks them out of the water... I am different from other girls? I’ve heard this often enough.
I think the only way I am different is that I can carry on an intellectual conversation and that my upbringing was harsher than those of my fellow teens.
I have grown up not knowing love... not being told by my parents that i was loved, and resenting the fact that i had no one...
I have very little friends who I can talk to about this, most of them do not understand!
How could they? I’m sure it is almost impossible imagining your parents raising their fists to you! Or whipping you with electrical cords...
But believe me, if I could be like the rest of you, I would! How much peace would there be to have a blank mind and only thing that worries me is who's party is on this weekend.
If I could erase the memories from my mind I would, I don’t want to remember the hate in my parents eyes, the malice in my sisters voice as she looked on telling me I deserved this and more..
I don’t want to remember the sound of my father’s roar as he leaned over me while I cowered in the corner...
People label me as clingy, insane, and unpredictable.
But what people don’t understand is how much I need them, how much I need to know that there is someone there for me...
Would you understand if I said it went beyond loneliness? It is almost to the point of panic when I lie in bed and think I am alone. When I know there is no one who would listen or understand... it’s terrifying!
I feel like I can’t breathe and that the darkness around me is swallowing me whole! I don’t want to be alone... i've been alone for so long, i can’t do it anymore!
Am I insane? Wouldn’t you be to... go through what I’ve gone through and still come out on the other side and wear a smile?
I feel as though my smile is painted on, I like to believe there are some who see through the faded chipped paint and realise there is a girl who is hurting on the inside.
I love with great capacity; I feel emotion in big waves that I am drowned by the intensity of it.
I do things without thinking and constantly believe I can fix what I made wrong.
But can I fix myself? Because I have to ask myself why does everything go wrong? Why is it that when I am truly content with my life everything come crashing down?
Because being miserable is a constant... happiness is unpredictable, you could be happy one moment and fall down crying the next.
But being at your lowest point means there is nowhere else to fall.
Boys like my body, they like my looks and they are happy to take when I offer it to them. But try to offer them my heart or mind and they run in the opposite direction.
They want a girl for the moment, and I was never a girl for the moment... I am a girl for a lifetime, the girls you pick over me, in 10yrs you won’t give them a second thought, but I’m the kind of girl that in 10yrs you'll be remembering me and regretting the time you let me go.
If a guy took the time to look past all the issues, they would find a girl worth keeping.
I have to believe that if nothing else.
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