I'm not good enough

I’m not good enough, let’s cut through all the crap and face facts.
I have never been good enough and I have never stopped trying to ignore this fact.
Constantly trying to be with people who are higher than me, who have no idea how to handle me or my outbreaks.
Yeah I'm not normal, never have been. I've got depression, It's like a cloud hanging above my head that decides to storm when I am happy so I usually fuck things up with the person I’m happy with.
It’s all unintentional or at least I think it is, maybe my brain realises that these people don’t want me and decides to get rid of them?

The last week has been really difficult for me, I'm almost 18 and I worry I might not even make it there
the last week I have missed the boy I love more than I ever thought I would and me knowing that he didn’t care about me the way I did for him I did something that makes my skin crawl and turned my stomach.

Yeah it only lasted like 5 minutes but it seemed like forever and God I tried so hard not to be sick all over the poor boy.
I tried to heal the place in me that has been broken far too many time. I tried to hide it away from you, but my heart ran away from me again into the hands of someone who could use it to make me cry and do stupid things.
I will not make excuses for my actions because I really don’t know why the hell I did it
I avoided him for the rest of my time there, running away from his touch and staying the hell out of his bed! I think not only have I ruined a relationship, I ruined a friendship.

Oh wait I forgot that we didn’t have something remotely close to a relationship, I'm only a friend.
If that was the case why get so angry and hurt when you found out? Why do you still seem to hate me?
The thought of you hating me is like being bitten by thousand tiny ants, the pain is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.
And I am disappointed in myself for that. I never planned on feeling this way for you
And you obviously did a whole lot better and protecting your feelings from me.

I feel like I have let you down, like I’ve become just like every other girl to you. I don’t know how to fix this; I don’t know how to make you see that I’m not like every other girl, that I wouldn’t hurt you.

But then I might be lying to you, because clearly I have already hurt you and I could never be sorrier for that! I cried all night and wished I never existed that I never met you so I wouldn’t have gotten this chance to hurt you.

If I saw you again I have no idea how I would react. I feel just like running up and hugging you til you feel better or running in the opposite direction. To face the hate and pain that would surely be in your eyes when you looked at me would be punishment enough.

I wish you would just tell me to fuck off that you hate me and never want to see me again. That would be easier, that would make walking away easier.

I hate myself, I’m an ugly person who doesn’t deserve to be loved and I never want to be another boy again...

If I can’t have you another person feels like poison. Like I would be better off taking a razor to my skin.