A distraction.. that is what I need,
What I want... what I need...
that been my main focus of my blogs for as long as I can remember.
I have always focused on me, because that all I have.
I never thought I was selfish, I could say that I would give up anything for you, I would walk away if you wanted me to.
but really, if you asked that of me would I really be able to follow through?
My heart is damaged, my mind is a mess and I don't know a way out of this.
is it possible to get away from myself?
to block off the part of me which seems so dominant? I would hope so.
New years? I can make all these promises and all these goals. but how long of procrastination before I just give up and say "next year.."
I would like to say there will be no more next years! I will do this!
I would like to be the perfect girl
not for you! not for them!
but for me.
I would like to be able to lie in bed and just feel comfortable and tired.
instead of lying awake for hours wondering why I don't feel good enough.
because I am good enough! I am good enough to do whatever I want to do. I can go as far as I want to go!
and I can get any man I set my mind to...
There is nothing that will stand in my way of being who I want to be.
And fuck being this depressed needy little bitch who has claimed my life for too fucking long!
I will not be submissive to her anymore... she will not rule me!
And to the person who currently holds my heart, don't get too used to feeling its steady beat between your fingers.
because one day that won't be there anymore and you'll just be left with the echo, a reminder of the girl who once stood there for you.
I am not going back anymore! not fighting for something just so I don't have to be alone!
When I'm alone, I know who I am. I know what I want and how to go get it!
and maybe that how I should be, maybe to be this person I desire.. I must be alone!
sounds reasonable enough.
I can shut my mind off from the sad points of life, I can be better than this!
better than the girl who curled up on the floor deciding whether she was ready to end it all, ready to watch herself bleed out
I am better than that girl, better than someone who is constantly looking for approval.
I am ready to be the fun, sexy, strong girl I know is hiding there somewhere. I am ready to be a girl you'll regret losing.
I am ready to let go of everything that I used to know, no more comforting blankets, no more ignoring the truth.
I will face it, I will face you!
This is who I am, This is who I am ready to be.
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