No heart No pain.

You make me so angry! I just cant believe I keep fooling myself.
How many times must you hurt me before I give up?
Is this it?
You've fucked how many others girls and I've cried how many times!
I just cant do this anymore!
I cant love you anymore, I just cant keep giving myself over and over again only to have it smashed down by you!
I give up, take my heart and take my soul.
I don't know what else to say, that I expected this?
Fuck yeah I always knew but I ignored it.
now that it has been spoken aloud, its like a crushing weight in my chest...
Fuck it! Fuck me sideways and upside down! Rip my lungs out and pull apart the intricate veins.
Kill me slowly please… cause I really do enjoy the pain!
Get fucked you fucking cruel heartless man!
Destroy my life destroy my being.
You destroy everything of me!
My heart belonged to you, but no more I take back what once was mine and I'll make sure you get what you deserve!
I'll make sure of it my sweet!
I normally don't care about revenge but for 10 months you fucked me around, you put my life on its side.…
And here we are! I'm drawing my lines
Cross this line and you'll be burned alive.
Right now my hate for you, is a live thing! It will eat you insides and spit out the disgusting used skin!
If I could picture your insides my dear, they would be all a delicious blood red, but when you look at the heart it would be black and crumbled…

How could you do this to me, to anyone?
What the hell is wrong with you?!
You are afraid of something and I cant tell what it would be.
I have never done wrong by you! Never have I stepped over any lines you set for me!
I am perfect, and I love you.
Too bad you don't get that opportunity anymore.
Get the fuck out of my life! And enjoy one final glance at my beautiful backside.

Love is a game. And it's one I constantly lose at!

This is the end huh?
I thought I would be balling my eyes out or something..
but I guess all the tears I had for you were cried out over the whole 9 Month period.
I feel empty. void of all emotion I thought I should feel

I can imagine every touch we shared, every time I've stared into your eyes and felt on fire!
I don't know how I got this so wrong?
how did I mess this up so badly...
I would have sworn I could read people so well but you've stumped me.
everything you've done is screaming out to me that you like me
but everything you say is the opposite.
I've learned never to trust a person's words but their actions
which would mean I was right all along and your just playing me
but it doesn't matter anymore.

The game is over! you win, whatever you were trying to do.. you win
I am walking away, does this make me weak or smart?
I feel like giving up on this is the easy way out but I tried! I fucking tried my hardest
and I still came out second best!
what else is there I can do?

admitting my feelings to someone is what did it to me, telling my best friend that I really did love you
telling her for the first time that I loved someone and they didn't want me
that is what made it feel like a blow to the head
I don't admit things like that to people, it's just not what I do.
I can tell everyone about anything in my life except how I feel, and my past with my family.
2 biggest things for me to share, and only a handful of people know about this

so you would have to understand how big of a thing it is for you to know.
I trusted you with something that still haunts my dreams.
And I feel like you don't fully understand why I can't be just friends.
You are the most amazing, frustrating, idiotic, incredible person I have met.
and i have fallen for you, knowing that you prefer others over me.. just that knowledge makes me feel insignificant
but to witness it, to watch you throw yourself at drunken sluts. churns my stomach and makes my skin crawl!
I don't think something has ever hurt as much as watching you kiss them.
watching you do that constantly would not only push me further into the dark hole of my mind
but also prevent me from moving on.

if I must endure torture I prefer it to be one of solitude.
I can't get over how perfect we were together but then I guess any relationship with no restraints or commitment would seem perfect to anyone.
someday I look back and think "Melissa how stupid could you have been? you let this man walk all over you and fuck you around for 9 months what the hell were you thinking?"
what was I thinking?
oh well it's done, game over or whatever!
love is just a game and the winner never seems to be me.
I always play for keeps. but who plays to keep me?

Heads or Tails

I feel like im back in the 1600's
back when if they feared you of being a witch you were burned.
and no matter how much you pleaded or told the truth you were ignored.
I dont know how to prove it to you, how to let you know that there is no one else that there was no one else!
I feel like screaming out in frustration! pulling my hair out!
you just dont get it do you? no matter how much I tell you, no matter how much I prove to you
I am just not that type of girl
I was never the type of girl who cheated or was even attracted to other boys.
once I fell I fell for good!
Everyone is telling me that I should just cut my loses and walk away while you've given me the perfect excuse to,
I could... I could force myself to walk away,
but I wont.
why?


Because my heart has tied me to this man, and until I can undo this knot I wont move from his side.
and I hate that! hate that I am nothing to him when he is everything to me!
I hate that he wants another and I cant even think about any other boys like that
I feel trapt in my own body and I hate that
Maybe to move forward it wasnt forgetting the past.
maybe it was ignoring my present!

Maybe I should toss a coin?
heads - stay
tails - go.


Heads or Tails?

This is who I am, who I'm ready to be!

A distraction.. that is what I need,
What I want... what I need...
that been my main focus of my blogs for as long as I can remember.
I have always focused on me, because that all I have.
I never thought I was selfish, I could say that I would give up anything for you, I would walk away if you wanted me to.
but really, if you asked that of me would I really be able to follow through?
My heart is damaged, my mind is a mess and I don't know a way out of this.
is it possible to get away from myself?
to block off the part of me which seems so dominant? I would hope so.
New years? I can make all these promises and all these goals. but how long of procrastination before I just give up and say "next year.."
I would like to say there will be no more next years! I will do this!
I would like to be the perfect girl
not for you! not for them!
but for me.

I would like to be able to lie in bed and just feel comfortable and tired.
instead of lying awake for hours wondering why I don't feel good enough.
because I am good enough! I am good enough to do whatever I want to do. I can go as far as I want to go!
and I can get any man I set my mind to...
There is nothing that will stand in my way of being who I want to be.
And fuck being this depressed needy little bitch who has claimed my life for too fucking long!
I will not be submissive to her anymore... she will not rule me!

And to the person who currently holds my heart, don't get too used to feeling its steady beat between your fingers.
because one day that won't be there anymore and you'll just be left with the echo, a reminder of the girl who once stood there for you.
I am not going back anymore! not fighting for something just so I don't have to be alone!
When I'm alone, I know who I am. I know what I want and how to go get it!
and maybe that how I should be, maybe to be this person I desire.. I must be alone!
sounds reasonable enough.
I can shut my mind off from the sad points of life, I can be better than this!
better than the girl who curled up on the floor deciding whether she was ready to end it all, ready to watch herself bleed out
I am better than that girl, better than someone who is constantly looking for approval.

I am ready to be the fun, sexy, strong girl I know is hiding there somewhere. I am ready to be a girl you'll regret losing.
I am ready to let go of everything that I used to know, no more comforting blankets, no more ignoring the truth.
I will face it, I will face you!
This is who I am, This is who I am ready to be.

An imposter of the real me.

I dont think I've ever felt so disrespected and so betrayed in my life.
I hope you all had a good laugh over it all, over my feelings over my tears..
I hope it was really entertaining.

I figured out today that it's never been about you, it was always about me..
how i felt, how i was thinking. me
my issues are all stemming from my own insecurities
I dont feel good enough, I dont know if I want to do this anymore
I can't handle it, I am not pretty enough..

all my own issues, they have damaged this! damaged myself, it was never anyone else who screwed me up
it was myself.
I can always come back from this, I can move forward and bring who I really am out.
Because it was always that girl who everyone loved.. not this girl, who i have become
she isnt my friend, she is a imposter of me. a mask that I have worn and now I wish to take the mask off.
it would be like the sun coming out from being the clouds..
i just need to throw away the mask and prove to you that I can be this fun happy girl
someone you would be more than happy to be with!

sounds easy enough. doesnt it?