The mumblings of a heartbroke fool!

Jesse, I have never been so connected with someone like I am with you.
and I know that you feel it to! there's no way this is one sided...
You push me away so you don't hurt me, but you don't realise that your absence will hurt most.
I can handle the rest, I can remember this night! this glorious night where I saw the real Jesse.
where I saw who you were and as I watched you near tears for someone who has been described to me as nothing but a slut.
as I watched you hurt over her..
First feeling
Absolute and utter hate... a hate that I've never felt so powerful. like if I ever saw her my hate would burn her alive..
Second... Love, undiluted and unconditional love.. you have such a power over me, that no many times I say goodbye or you try to walk away. we end up back in the middle..
The last 9 months have been tough on me.. I have never been with someone and to everyone on the outside it looked like a relationship. and then for it to be the complete opposite on the inside..

I've never cried or hated myself more in the past 9 months than I have since i can remember..
but I've also had the best year of my life.. you were a big part of my life in the last 9 months.. I don't ever want to lose you! not to anyone!!!
I could gracefully bow out! be thankful that I had these last memories of you to hold onto.
but tonight! oh Jesse tonight I felt sadness, love, anger, emptiness, happiness, belonging and I felt loved back.
I can't say that I've always felt loved by someone throughout my life.. cause I never did!
but being there with you, you sharing that with me.. I can't put words to the emotion bubbling through me.
if I hadn't seen you tonight, if I hadn't experienced this.. I would have been able to let you go,
but not anymore!

You think you don't feel for me as much as her?..
that it's not enough? Jesse just let it be, let it be enough! let what you feel out SHOW ME!
close your eyes, and imagine how you felt when you kissed me, how you felt when you looked into my eyes afterwards
tell me how you would feel if you were never to see me again!? if all you had was her!?
Jesse what we have is strong! I can see it, how can you claim that it's not there..
tell me I'm nothing tell me that I am no one! TELL ME TO GO AWAY!
tell me, and I will!
prove to me that I am nothing to you!

You're running away from this because you are afraid, I thought today.. Jesse is going after relationships with people who are destined to hurt him. that makes me think that you know you deserve better, you know that I could be what you want... but you don't want to reach out and take it, you want to prove yourself wrong by being with useless and hurtful girls..
You know we would be great together! we are effortless! we are as easy as breathing!
and Jesse if you walk away from me now, I'll never forgive you! because despite everything! despite me wanting to do the most unthinkable things to myself after you left.. I didn't

I sat there with my knife in hand staring down at the vein that is in the shape of a J. trying to shake off the feeling that you and I are more than a fling..
I tried.. I really did try to cut myself, I sat there knife pressed against my skin waiting for my skin to break open..
but I couldn't do it.. I have a higher purpose than this, I have a better relief than making myself bleed..
Jesse you're my relief, you make me feel like I belong here. Like I was made to fit in your arms!
tell me you don't feel it to,

Tell me the truth! no more running away, no more ignoring what we have.
because I am not ready to give up yet.. that kiss was all ignored feeling and I want it back, I want to feel your lips against mine as often as I smile!
I want you til I can't think anymore! I want you to be here with me!
and I refuse to be told no anymore..

To my dearest LOVE

Dear LOVE.
I thought I had you figured out, I thought there was nothing left that could surprise me.
I knew there was a chance you'd find another girl who would do what I couldn't..
I just... I just didn't think that it would happen like that.
I feel cheated and used..
like the rug was pulled out from under me. until now I felt as though I was still in the race like I still had a chance.
do I walk away now to save my dignity...
do I have a choice in it anymore?
I fell for you. not gradually but one day I looked in your eyes and fell flat on my face.
and I feel sick physically sick at the thought of another girl being with you.
I don't know what to do anymore, I want to run away and not exist.
I want to prove I'm the girl for you.
I want you to really see me.
but I don't know how to do any of that.

I lie in bed at night and wonder if I ever cross your mind.
I lie there for hours staring at my ceiling as the anger grows inside me..
I wish I could direct the anger at you, that I could force myself to hate you.
but no matter what you've done I always find a way to forgive you...
I hate myself, I hate inside and out.
I'm not a person even I would want to know, I look in the mirror and hate what I see.
I see fat in all the wrong places, uneven lines and lumpy, wobbly places.
I see everything as it is and i hate it.

I resist the urge to hurt myself, I resist it so hard because I know I can be better than that.
better than old scars that never go away.
I remember a time when i wouldn't have cared. I would have cut and tore at my skin until it didn't resemble skin any longer.
I remember when I planned how I would die.. and what I wanted people to feel, I even wrote letters to them or myself.
boxes full of letters or thoughts to myself. and when I found you, I burnt the box
I thought to myself, for him I could be better! I could be a girl who doesn't curl up in a ball at night and cry herself to sleep.
but no... I can't be that girl, and I'm sorry for that
I'm sorry I didn't just walk away 8 months ago when you first ended it.
I'm sorry I didn't walk away when i found out about the other girls.
I'm sorry I just didn't have it in me to leave when you said no more.

I'll be better now I swear, I'll walk away and never look back.
I can do it you know, bury my heart in the deepest hole and forget about it.
I can delete your number from my phone so I'm not tempted and I can erase any trace of you from my life..
one thing I wouldn't be able to stop, is the dreams..
I can pretend to be perfectly fine but once the lights are off and I'm alone, my mind belongs to you
and it is something that will belong to you for a long time.
I will eventually get over you, but for now... this is impossible, I cannot be here while you want someone else.. I cannot let myself love you
I can't get hurt anymore.

Love Melissa!

Me, as i always have been.

On the night of my 18th birthday, I lie awake crying and think about how I’ve fucked up so many things.
I am as normal as my childhood will allow, but then again that not alot!
I despise the mainstream girls... horrified in their thinking and their behaviour, and i think what i hate most about them is that they build a unhealthy mindset for men on what women of this generation should be like.
And when an individual such as myself comes along it shocks them out of the water... I am different from other girls? I’ve heard this often enough.
I think the only way I am different is that I can carry on an intellectual conversation and that my upbringing was harsher than those of my fellow teens.

I have grown up not knowing love... not being told by my parents that i was loved, and resenting the fact that i had no one...
I have very little friends who I can talk to about this, most of them do not understand!
How could they? I’m sure it is almost impossible imagining your parents raising their fists to you! Or whipping you with electrical cords...
But believe me, if I could be like the rest of you, I would! How much peace would there be to have a blank mind and only thing that worries me is who's party is on this weekend.
If I could erase the memories from my mind I would, I don’t want to remember the hate in my parents eyes, the malice in my sisters voice as she looked on telling me I deserved this and more..
I don’t want to remember the sound of my father’s roar as he leaned over me while I cowered in the corner...

People label me as clingy, insane, and unpredictable.
But what people don’t understand is how much I need them, how much I need to know that there is someone there for me...
Would you understand if I said it went beyond loneliness? It is almost to the point of panic when I lie in bed and think I am alone. When I know there is no one who would listen or understand... it’s terrifying!
I feel like I can’t breathe and that the darkness around me is swallowing me whole! I don’t want to be alone... i've been alone for so long, i can’t do it anymore!

Am I insane? Wouldn’t you be to... go through what I’ve gone through and still come out on the other side and wear a smile?
I feel as though my smile is painted on, I like to believe there are some who see through the faded chipped paint and realise there is a girl who is hurting on the inside.

I love with great capacity; I feel emotion in big waves that I am drowned by the intensity of it.
I do things without thinking and constantly believe I can fix what I made wrong.
But can I fix myself? Because I have to ask myself why does everything go wrong? Why is it that when I am truly content with my life everything come crashing down?

Because being miserable is a constant... happiness is unpredictable, you could be happy one moment and fall down crying the next.
But being at your lowest point means there is nowhere else to fall.
Boys like my body, they like my looks and they are happy to take when I offer it to them. But try to offer them my heart or mind and they run in the opposite direction.

They want a girl for the moment, and I was never a girl for the moment... I am a girl for a lifetime, the girls you pick over me, in 10yrs you won’t give them a second thought, but I’m the kind of girl that in 10yrs you'll be remembering me and regretting the time you let me go.
If a guy took the time to look past all the issues, they would find a girl worth keeping.

I have to believe that if nothing else.

I'm not good enough

I’m not good enough, let’s cut through all the crap and face facts.
I have never been good enough and I have never stopped trying to ignore this fact.
Constantly trying to be with people who are higher than me, who have no idea how to handle me or my outbreaks.
Yeah I'm not normal, never have been. I've got depression, It's like a cloud hanging above my head that decides to storm when I am happy so I usually fuck things up with the person I’m happy with.
It’s all unintentional or at least I think it is, maybe my brain realises that these people don’t want me and decides to get rid of them?

The last week has been really difficult for me, I'm almost 18 and I worry I might not even make it there
the last week I have missed the boy I love more than I ever thought I would and me knowing that he didn’t care about me the way I did for him I did something that makes my skin crawl and turned my stomach.

Yeah it only lasted like 5 minutes but it seemed like forever and God I tried so hard not to be sick all over the poor boy.
I tried to heal the place in me that has been broken far too many time. I tried to hide it away from you, but my heart ran away from me again into the hands of someone who could use it to make me cry and do stupid things.
I will not make excuses for my actions because I really don’t know why the hell I did it
I avoided him for the rest of my time there, running away from his touch and staying the hell out of his bed! I think not only have I ruined a relationship, I ruined a friendship.

Oh wait I forgot that we didn’t have something remotely close to a relationship, I'm only a friend.
If that was the case why get so angry and hurt when you found out? Why do you still seem to hate me?
The thought of you hating me is like being bitten by thousand tiny ants, the pain is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.
And I am disappointed in myself for that. I never planned on feeling this way for you
And you obviously did a whole lot better and protecting your feelings from me.

I feel like I have let you down, like I’ve become just like every other girl to you. I don’t know how to fix this; I don’t know how to make you see that I’m not like every other girl, that I wouldn’t hurt you.

But then I might be lying to you, because clearly I have already hurt you and I could never be sorrier for that! I cried all night and wished I never existed that I never met you so I wouldn’t have gotten this chance to hurt you.

If I saw you again I have no idea how I would react. I feel just like running up and hugging you til you feel better or running in the opposite direction. To face the hate and pain that would surely be in your eyes when you looked at me would be punishment enough.

I wish you would just tell me to fuck off that you hate me and never want to see me again. That would be easier, that would make walking away easier.

I hate myself, I’m an ugly person who doesn’t deserve to be loved and I never want to be another boy again...

If I can’t have you another person feels like poison. Like I would be better off taking a razor to my skin.