I don't know what I am doing here,
I don't know what I am doing with my life...
I can't breath and I feel trapped by you.
I want to get out and I want to live
I would usually say But I love you, but I don't even know if thats true right now.
Can you tell that your killing me?
Can you see it in my eyes?
You might not be physically hurting me, but you are crushing my spirit and the light in me
I can't believe I'm letting you do that.
I can't believe this is me.
How do I do this?
How do I dig myself out?
You treat me like your slave and then you tell me its not good enough.
You come home and stomp around and I am afraid to open my mouth.
What can I do?
Help me...

someone... help me

Little snudge

Its amazing what you didn't know you wanted was the one thing that when presented to you. It must be rejected. Your not even sure you have it in your grasp and the idea of not having it or pushing it away torments you. I have been given such a gift, cradling my belly wondering what would happen if I could.. if we could.
Wondering if I could do it. If I'd be any good! Crying and curling up in a ball cause I won't get to find out. Cause little smudge.. if you are there, we can't keep you. And I'm sorry for that.. sorry that I'm not good enough to keep you.
If you aren't there smudge. I'm glad I won't have to say goodbye to you. Glad that I won't have to be that person. But I just have this feeling deep within my soul that you are there. And now that I've found this amazing man I desperately want you. I want to meet you and know you.
Sadly its not possible.
Little smudge. My dear smudge.
I don't even know if your there.. and I'm already sad that we must say goodbye.
Knock if your there...
Tell me that your alive!

Someone save my soul.

I don't really know what I'm doing anymore..
well I'm not sure I really ever knew.
I'm making up this story line as I go, flying by the seat of my pants.
This year is almost over and I've had a tragic year to say the least.
I've veered a little of course from what i hoped to achieve
and I've also come to some interesting things. I've made some great friends,
lost some shit ones.
I've been thrown out of my comfort zone, and became stronger

I've allowed myself to be used and thrown down as well.
I have no idea where I stand in some relationships and not sure I really want to,
I've been fucked, washed up and sent on my way.
been fooled by so many people and in some cases just didn't care enough to stop.

Next year is a new beginning.
I'll be moving and I'll be saying goodbye to one of the most important people I've ever known.
He's always been there, it's funny that he doesn't see it..
but he's been my rock for the last 2 years.
I have given my heart to him, taken it back and surrender it again.
for some reason my life line is intertwined with his.
and I feel I have cheated him, that I've done wrong by him.
I've given up what he thought was his to others.
even though he never claimed me..

Some days I lie in bed and just cry at how my life has unfolded.
I know people think I'm beautiful but I just don't see it,
how can I be this person and still be beautiful?
how can anyone actually appreciate me as a person when all they see me as is a body.
How can i hurt my soul so much, be so damaged and still think I'm capable of capturing your heart.
I've proven I just can't do it anymore.
Proven I'm worthless to everyone.

I just chase and fight and come up second best,
I hurt, I bleed and I don't learn..
I've been here before, many times in fact,
I'm being bled dry and I'm about to go under.
save me... someone just save me.

Self harm? no.. just some kinky fucking shit.

I do oh so love the feeling,
When those needles penetrate my skin...
It sends shivers up my spine, my scalp prickles and I relax
Everything is at peace and in perspective while I’m there under that needle.
My mother says negative tattoos will bring negative light to your life.
But what about tattoos which were born out of negative thoughts but is primary a positive thing.

My feather - Il mio dolore, Il mio amore e me stessa.
My pain, my love and Myself...
The feather essentially is me
And the things that affect me most and what others effect most
My pain, my love and myself... people thought because it was about me, that it was selfish or up myself.
Which I don’t entirely get... if it’s on my body, if it’s of my being... it should represent me...


My Mother Time - Essentially it is me, moving forward the rose my heart
The pocket watch is Time heals ALL wounds and the broken hourglass
It’s me trying to manipulate time. Forgetting the past, turning back time
But effectively breaking the whole structure.
FROZEN IN TIME.

Everything means something to me
But not as much as the delicious healing feeling of having someone else make me bleed
Is that a suicidal thought?
Self harm?
No... I think it would lead more towards sadistic behaviour towards oneself.
Enjoying my own pain...
But not being able to give it,

There’s nothing I love more than having my hair pulled sharply back while being fucked...
Why? Its raw passion, Raw feeling. Raw pain...
That’s what really gets me off, feeling someone’s passion their needs.
And being able to fulfil those needs
Am I sick?
For wanting to please the men I sleep with?
Wanting to feel them writhe and shiver in pleasure because of me..?
Maybe...
Or maybe i am just the most fucking fantastic partner they've ever known.
I’d do anything to see their pleasure to watch them grow and twitch at the sight of me. To watch their eyes grow wide and pupils dilate as their hands make their slow delicious journey downwards across my milky soft skin
I'd do anything to be the last memory they ever hold...
To poison their minds with my image

.... Why?
Am I acting under the desire to gain approval from men because I don’t have that in my own home?
Because nothing is ever good enough for them?
I sleep with men because I want someone to be happy with me?
I want love?
And I want it my way.

I GET IT! I FUCKING GET IT..
I'm not fucking pretty, I'm not fucking skinny.
I HATE MYSELF
I am a twisted lonely human being who would give anything for someone to cradle her to sleep at night.
I wish I was tall and beautifully blond.
I wish I could pull myself inside out cause i hope that the inside is prettier than the outside.
HA! thats a joke
The insides the twisted part.. the manical!
I let myself become their puppet time and time again.
I got nothin.
why do they torture me so.


I just dont know what im doing wrong

No heart No pain.

You make me so angry! I just cant believe I keep fooling myself.
How many times must you hurt me before I give up?
Is this it?
You've fucked how many others girls and I've cried how many times!
I just cant do this anymore!
I cant love you anymore, I just cant keep giving myself over and over again only to have it smashed down by you!
I give up, take my heart and take my soul.
I don't know what else to say, that I expected this?
Fuck yeah I always knew but I ignored it.
now that it has been spoken aloud, its like a crushing weight in my chest...
Fuck it! Fuck me sideways and upside down! Rip my lungs out and pull apart the intricate veins.
Kill me slowly please… cause I really do enjoy the pain!
Get fucked you fucking cruel heartless man!
Destroy my life destroy my being.
You destroy everything of me!
My heart belonged to you, but no more I take back what once was mine and I'll make sure you get what you deserve!
I'll make sure of it my sweet!
I normally don't care about revenge but for 10 months you fucked me around, you put my life on its side.…
And here we are! I'm drawing my lines
Cross this line and you'll be burned alive.
Right now my hate for you, is a live thing! It will eat you insides and spit out the disgusting used skin!
If I could picture your insides my dear, they would be all a delicious blood red, but when you look at the heart it would be black and crumbled…

How could you do this to me, to anyone?
What the hell is wrong with you?!
You are afraid of something and I cant tell what it would be.
I have never done wrong by you! Never have I stepped over any lines you set for me!
I am perfect, and I love you.
Too bad you don't get that opportunity anymore.
Get the fuck out of my life! And enjoy one final glance at my beautiful backside.

Love is a game. And it's one I constantly lose at!

This is the end huh?
I thought I would be balling my eyes out or something..
but I guess all the tears I had for you were cried out over the whole 9 Month period.
I feel empty. void of all emotion I thought I should feel

I can imagine every touch we shared, every time I've stared into your eyes and felt on fire!
I don't know how I got this so wrong?
how did I mess this up so badly...
I would have sworn I could read people so well but you've stumped me.
everything you've done is screaming out to me that you like me
but everything you say is the opposite.
I've learned never to trust a person's words but their actions
which would mean I was right all along and your just playing me
but it doesn't matter anymore.

The game is over! you win, whatever you were trying to do.. you win
I am walking away, does this make me weak or smart?
I feel like giving up on this is the easy way out but I tried! I fucking tried my hardest
and I still came out second best!
what else is there I can do?

admitting my feelings to someone is what did it to me, telling my best friend that I really did love you
telling her for the first time that I loved someone and they didn't want me
that is what made it feel like a blow to the head
I don't admit things like that to people, it's just not what I do.
I can tell everyone about anything in my life except how I feel, and my past with my family.
2 biggest things for me to share, and only a handful of people know about this

so you would have to understand how big of a thing it is for you to know.
I trusted you with something that still haunts my dreams.
And I feel like you don't fully understand why I can't be just friends.
You are the most amazing, frustrating, idiotic, incredible person I have met.
and i have fallen for you, knowing that you prefer others over me.. just that knowledge makes me feel insignificant
but to witness it, to watch you throw yourself at drunken sluts. churns my stomach and makes my skin crawl!
I don't think something has ever hurt as much as watching you kiss them.
watching you do that constantly would not only push me further into the dark hole of my mind
but also prevent me from moving on.

if I must endure torture I prefer it to be one of solitude.
I can't get over how perfect we were together but then I guess any relationship with no restraints or commitment would seem perfect to anyone.
someday I look back and think "Melissa how stupid could you have been? you let this man walk all over you and fuck you around for 9 months what the hell were you thinking?"
what was I thinking?
oh well it's done, game over or whatever!
love is just a game and the winner never seems to be me.
I always play for keeps. but who plays to keep me?