Does she? Do you? Would you?

Does she make you happy?
Does she make you melt?
Does she excite you?
Does she please you?
Does she make you moan?
Does she make you groan?
Do you want her by your side?
Do you get angry when she flirts with others?
Do you feel the same about her as she does about you?
Would you give up anything for her?
Would you fight for her?
Would you die for her?
If you can answer yes to all of those
then i give in, i want you to be happy
even though
You make me happy
you make me melt
you excite me
you pleased me
you made me moan
you made me groan
I wanted you by my side
I got angry when you flirted with others
I Feel more for you than you did for me
I would give up anything for you
I would fight for you
and
I would die for you.

And i would give you up if you fell for her
if i knew you only wanted her
i would shove my heart into the deepest corner of my unconscious mind
and i would never set eyes on it again
I would let you live your life without my presence
and i would fade away as if i had never existed
If only you knew
how much pain i would walk through for you
i don't know how, but i would make you forget me.
you'd never see another photo of me, another post about me or from me,
nothing
i wouldn't exist to you
all you'd have to say is that you loved her
and that would be it! i would disappear!
iv been having this dream of you
its not erotic, its just us
talking
laughing
being in each others company and then light would intrude through my curtains and turn my eyelids red
i would wake and remember that dream is no longer a possibility

Because I'm a idiot that's why!

Another year has passed...
17, when did i get so old?
this year was something else! i would never say i regretted anything i did this year
but i definitely have grown since my last birthday
and in some ways.. i have shrunk!
i have shrunk because i no longer have confidence in myself around people
i think i have become a tad withdrawn
and I'm no longer as easy going around the opposite sex.
those on the outside may not see these differences! but i can see them,
and i have grown!
i am more confident about my own looks
I'm comfortable with my own body
i have gotten rid of my depression! which i shall talk about later.
i have learned so much about myself in these past months that i couldn't have done without some one's help although they did not intentionally help.
i have a bigger ego, which doesn't help with boy's trying to hit on me
I'm just not swept off my feet by a couple of compliments about my looks. give up!
anyway i definitely want to talk about my depression!
i believe i have gotten rid of it,
and funnily enough i did so by removing someone from my life
i still care for them, but i realise its not the way they want!
we have been broken up for 3months now and i decided that it couldn't hurt to go back just to make sure
well i think i needed to go back for those two weeks. because the way things ended for me and him, was a mess to put it simply!
i felt guilty because while he couldn't get over me i was already in another man's bed!
if one could call him a man, ha!
so i went back and ended it properly face to face! there were no tears well none that he could see
there were no sorry's it was just simple knowledge that it needed to come to a close
and we said our final goodbyes while laying there naked together.
i am immensely sorry to him for how things happened! but two cannot go on while one dreams and longs for another.
to try and force them to be there with you is cruel
the person who gave me my depression was the solution to taking it away!
it only took a year and a half to do this. but it was done eventually.
i got kicked out, my father practically picked me up and threw me out the door.
but that again was a blessing in disguise!
i learned many things about myself in those two weeks away.
and i will never forget my time with the lovely Katie!
she was my saviour when others turned their back on me
and i will owe her forever
now.. down to my birthday!
was a nice evening until, that woman popped up!
i could of exploded when i saw her!
you brought the woman your fucking to your ex girlfriends birthday. without asking
now that hurt
up until then i was fairly okay with you and her
you pushed me too far.
you knew she wasn't invited, you must have known how her presence would of affected me
if you really couldn't have been without her for one evening, then you shouldn't of come!
simple as that!
you name still rings through my dreams and haunts me through the days!
i just want to get you out of my mind
you disappointed me, your a complete dick! yet for some fucking reason i cant get over you!
why cant i fall for someone who is kind!
because I'm a idiot that's why!

A note never passed and a heart never broken

Can you imagine me yelling for just a sec.
*SCREAMS* I CANT HANDLE THIS!
i do what i thought i wanted! what i thought i needed!
and it turned out to be completely wrong. because when i look at him i feel nothing but self pity! self disgust..
i don't want this! but how can i hurt him again!
id rather die than say what needs to be said.
And when i see you, my stomach jumps and ties itself in knots.
we had a connection and you threw it back in my face
you flaunt her in front of me and i try to close my eyes and pretend it isn't real!
but it is, and i don't want to see it!
i want you! in any form
but i didn't realise you'd have someone new so soon...
i feel like nothing!
i feel empty
and this has nothing to do with anything else.. because most of those problems are gone
this is just me longing for something that is so far out of my reach it pains me to think about it.
you thought me flirting was me moving on..
and i did tell you when i try to move on, its usually by climbing into someones bed.
unfortunately the bed i climbed into was all too familiar and even i know it was a bad idea. yet i cannot stop myself because when i get the tiniest inkling of loneliness i will run to him cuddle and kiss him and tell him lies...
then regret it the moment i go home. i look back on the nights events and a sick feeling engulfs me and i cannot break free until the next time of weakness.
I'm pathetic and stupid and selfish!
i don't want to be this way,
I'm trying very hard but when i think about how much pain i have to cause him to put it right again.. it makes me feel even more selfish
i should put up with this.. because being unhappy is what i deserve,
but while he touches me i think of you!
i have to think about every thing i am about to say just so i don't say your name by accident!
why must you poison my thoughts..
you don't want me.. that's perfectly fine.. but why cant you take my feelings along with you.
i wouldn't care if you wanted to just fuck and then leave but then again i probably would regret that in the end anyway
I'm done with every boy. i will do what has to be done, and i will suffer in my own personal hell! doesn't matter you'd never notice anyway